Ladies & Gentleman...

Whoever said all that stuff about... "too much of anything is a bad idea" thing... yeah, they're right. Don't you hate it when you get so caught up in one little thing and that's all you can think about? It happens to me alot... I think because I analyze everything (I'm a psych major, it's a given). I think about specific things for WAY too long. Then, I can't get them out of my head. Sometimes I wish my brain would just let me rest. BUT! NO! We can't do that.. .we have to make sure I know every aspect of the reasoning behind the one word someone said three days ago. Ok, here I go again with the relating-to-John-Mayer-songs thing that I do. The song "New Deep" is about a need/want for a discontinuation of analysis of life. He says he wants to "find out just how boring [he is]." That's what I want. I want to know that my life is not this complicated. It can be simple, right? Just do the right thing (or what you think is right at the time being) and stand behind your choices 100%? Right? I don't think it works like that. There's something to be said about doing the wrong thing every once and a while. How else would we ever know how great the right choice is? We would never know... we would never know the difference.
When I think about the way my life is headed it's the largest contradiction known to man. Ok... maybe not but it's the largest I've ever faced. I know I should be happy about where it's going... and believe me, I REALLY AM. Sometimes, though, I wish I take a peak at the final picture. It would be like a movie preview. I could do music to it and everything. It wouldn't show the ending, of course, because the real ones never do. They sure as hell give you a pretty good indication of what's to come. At least you know what the movie's about. I don't even know the plot line to my life. I thought I used to when I was with David. Really, I didn't... I imagined it, I concocted it in my little head to be this perfect scenario. Movies don't work like that. They are what they are. Once one thing happens, you can't very well completely turn the story around. People don't change.
If you didn't believe me when I said I analyze every detail of everything everywhere all the time. Just re-read the last paragraph :). Until next time.... <3

I just finished reading a great book. It's old but I'm just now reading it because my mother recommended it to me when I was searching for a book on her bookshelf. "White Oleander" is one of the best stories I've ever read. Against my mom's advice and my own better judgment, I'm going to rent the movie today. I know, I know, "the movie is blasphemy compared to the book." I really want to know what they think the characters look like.
Why is that? You always hear that statement, "the book's way better than the movie." Why? Why is it better? Why is it that our imaginations can play perfect little movies that could never compare to a hard copy on a screen? I think I know. Our minds develop scenarios, twists & turns, and happy endings that we can't control in the theatre version. I love to dream but it's hard to know that dreams are only my imagination. My dreams (especially mine, but maybe yours too? ) are too important and complex to be lived out in the real world. Sometimes I love my dreams, sometimes I hate them. Whichever it is, they mean something. That's okay with me.
I had sort of a bad night last night. Is there any such thing as a "sort of" anything? i.e. Can someone be "sort of" unique? I would say no. What about "sort of" liking someone? Nope. Ok, "sort of" in a relationship? I don't think so. I had a BAD night. That's it, it was just bad. My chaffeurs, Blake and Alex, (haha) and I drove towards downtown with plans to go to the Old City (Barley's maybe and just relax). We picked up Katie and her first words upon entering the car were "change of plans" with her big toothy grin. "Ok" I said. She told us she had a friend at Saphires waiting for her and asked if we would go there with her. We agreed. I've been to Saphires and I don't like it because it's crowded/loud. We arrive and as we're squeezing through the mass of people, Katie finds Cameron. Cameron is boyfriend #3 that we're adding to the mix (just for this week, though). I wish I had the guts to just say, "It doesn't have to be like this. You don't have to give it to everybody who looks your way. Because, believe me, he's definitely not the first or the last to pay attention to you. Use your beauty as something more powerful than that. Use it to show people that beauty is only a matter of what's inside your mind. You can do that, you know." As a matter of fact, maybe I will say that to her. Maybe I'll "say what I need to say" because I think Mr. Mayer may be onto something with that statement :).
I have to meet my long-lost friend Chasity for lunch to discuss living arrangements. She might be moving in! I'm late so I gotta run. Until next time, je t'aime <3!

hey, girl, hey!

Hello there! I hope this finds you well.

Update! I finally moved back into my house. Well, David left... so I won't stay there by myself so I'm just waiting on a roommate. I've got a couple of people I'm deciding on. Decisions, decisions.

My body is so sore from working out. Katie and I worked out yesterday. Gah, she is so hardcore but I love it. I want to be that hardcore. Ok, she's not perfect but, I swear, she's really damn close. You've seen pictures. She's strikingly beautiful. There's a difference between being a good-looking person and piercing people with beauty. She's the latter. What's really neat is the fact she's just that beautiful inside. She's such a good friend, she just gets me. I think I get her too and I like that. I love that she loves red wine because none of my friends like it as much as me. We drink alot of wine and I just love the way she grips her wine glass with her long, slender fingers and turns her head to the side when she talks. I can still picture clearly the two of us sitting in a Parisien cafe drinking wine. The light would shine in through the streets and flicker against the silverware and our glasses. I love that she cares about school like I do. I love that she tells me exactly how it is. I really respect her for being such a hard worker, and most of all, for being there for me.

I have not spent one night without my new friends. My boys are so great (Blake & Alex). It's so weird to actually know boys who will do something besides sit on their ass. My mom was SO stunned (well, so was I) because they came over last night with EVERYTHING for a cookout. They cooked everything for us and even made my mom's plate. They're my best good friends. I just love them.

I really can't explain how happier I am now. I've literally changed my whole life and it really wasn't THAT hard. It just cost me ALOT of money. Some people, I guess, can just change without an experience. I had to pay over 10 grand for a trip to Paris to see the truth. But, honestly, I don't care. There's no limit on what I would have paid for my life as it is now. I have no animosity towards David at all. It's like I just take the situation for what it is. It has to be this way. Honestly, I know it's about forgiveness. I forgive him, I do. I wish him only the best. He didn't take one picture of me. He was a part of my life, though, and I'm keeping all the pictures. I refuse to throw them away. Hell, I might even display one ...just to remind me of what I never want to happen again. :)

I have such a BIG August.

August 2-3: ATL for STS9 with Laura

August 7-9: 22nd Birthday Party in a cabin in Pigeon Forge

August 10-17: St. George Island with Katie and the family

August 29: JOHN MAYER CONCERT IN ATL!

You can tell what I'm most excited about. I get to see my John. I can't wait.

My best to you and yours! Have a good one.

Saying What I Need To Say

There's a song by John Mayer. It's simply entitled "Say." Listen to it, it's good. If you didn't know me, you might think this is weird, but I tend to relate many of the events and situations in my life to John Mayer songs. Well, I really just think about his words all the time. He writes his songs in a way that they are relatable to anyone. Anyways, "Say" is one of my favorites right now. He emphasizes the fact that we need to "say what you need to say." I agree, you know, if there's something on your mind or in your heart that is needing to be voiced, we need to go for it. Who knows when the next time you'll get the opportunity? It's possible that we'll never get the opportunity again.
My new friend, Alex (whom I met through Katie), just had a horrible tragedy happen in his life. It's really strange because I really don't know him that well at all but I've been trying to help him get through this and be there for him. That's just how I am: :) always trying to help. Alex lost his father last Saturday, the day after the 4th. He died at home while Alex was there. Now, as if that's not jarring enough, this man actually walked outside and shot himself in the head. When Alex told me, I had no idea how to react or what to say. Now that it's sunk in for about a week, it's easier for me to listen to Alex about it and to reciprocate (which was very hard at first).
I really believe that everything that happens in life, happens to you for a reason. Even if its not directly related to me, I believe things happen so I can learn from them. His father dying taught me to never take my parents for granted. Alex taught me exactly what it means to be strong in a situation like that. If your reading this, please say a little prayer for my friend.
Katie came home on Friday night. I went and picked her up from the airport. I really missed her so I'm glad she's home. Tonight, we're going to her parent's house when she gets off work. I think it's quite rare to find someone that you feel like you can talk to about anything. I feel lucky that Katie (and others) have drifted into my life at what seems like the absolute best time possible. I really need people to talk to right now because, even though I try to pretend like I am, I'm not THAT strong. I need my friends to help me put things into perspective, give me advice, and most importantly, make me laugh :).
I'm trying to get everything organized to move back into my house. I really can't wait. I'm gonna completely re-do it. I'm painting my bathroom and putting up new pictures. We're doing new carpet in the living room and refinishing the hardwood. It's gonna be like a brand new house, which is exactly what I need... I think :). Really, who knows what I really need? I've just gotta do what I think is right and hope I'm not mistaken. Whatever I do, I know that my friends and family will be there to celebrate the victories and soothe the pain caused by the mistakes. Thanks for reading, again or ...for the first time. Have a good one!

I'm BACK!

Hello, hello! I've heard so much positive feedback about my Paris blog (thanks everybody!) so I've decided to just continue with this thing. I absolutely love it so why not? I never thought my life was too interesting (well, that's probably because it wasn't). I can honestly admit now, however, that my life is anything but ordinary or boring. I've been told that I should write a novel or something. I don't know if anything like that will ever happen but I don't care. Know why? Because this makes me feel good... I like it... it helps me... and everyone enjoys it. So it's ok if this blog is never read by anyone but you and me :).

I returned from Paris two weeks ago :0! It's been way too long, I know. I miss it terribly but I love being home. It's like a huge oxymoron- I want to be there and here at the same time. I met THE MOST amazing people I've ever met in my life. In case anyone doesn't know, I've recently made some changes in my life. I hate making my life sound like this big project that I'm constantly working on but that, my friend, is what it is. I left my boyfriend of 7 years... well "left" is not the right verb. There really isn't a one word description for what I did. I decided that I'm too deserving of something better than him. This realization occured in Paris. Was it Paris? Yeah, kinda. It was kinda Paris, kinda the new people, mostly my own personal newfound decisiveness. I just don't want to live the way I was living anymore. I will forever keep to myself some of the experiences I had in the past 7 years because that's not what's important. What is important is that the experiences were experienced and now, it's over... so over. My mom and sister have cried several times... I just can't do it. I've cried so much for so long and now, it's time for me to smile and [gasp!] even laugh. I'm sorry for doing what I did because I know many of you saw me through this stupid-ass situation for way too long. So, thank you so much and I'm so sorry.

Enough with that! It's such a happier place in my mind. I just feel incredibly at peace. It's a great feeling that I've honestly never felt before. On that note, I'm experiencing another brand new feeling. I'm a christian and I believe in God but never until recently did I feel like I'm being watched over. I feel like all these little (some big) things are happening that make it obvious that every little thing happens for a reason. I don't know maybe I'm just full of shit but maybe, just maybe, I have a guardian angel :).

Since I've been back, I've been staying with my parents. I didn't even go back to my house. Weird, huh? It sounds odd but I don't really mind at all. I'm basically living out of the suitcase I took to Paris, haha. I mean, I had everything I need so it's all good. Katie was here until last Wednesday then she left for DC and Arizona with her boyfriend. We had a pink-champagne night at her apartment. Well, that's what we called it but we actually drank our signature: red wine. We made pasta. It was alot of fun. I've stayed with her some at her apartment and I'm sure I will when she gets home tomorrow. Tomorrow! I'm so excited. I miss her a little :).

She introduced me to two of her good friends, Blake and Alex. They are awesome guys.

I have summer classes going on right now. I have two classes back to back EVERYDAY. It isn't too terribly fun but I've gotta get done with school! I just want to graduate so bad. It's worth it. Orie's in one of the classes with me- our professor is goofy but really funny.

So, basically, since I've been back from Paris, I've been happier than I've been in awhile. I want to get back in my house, though. Jeremy is gonna live there with me. AND I've decided to get a big guard dog and put up a fence in my backyard for it. I'm quite excited about that.

So, thanks for reading this one just like you've read the rest. I hope you like it, hope it reminds you of something fun, hope you get something out of it. That's what it does for me :).